Titanic: Hillbilly Style
by SANDer137
Summary: Self-explanatory.
1. Author's Note Disclaimer

A/N: I wrote this as a play that my friends and I performed for our Drama/Shakespeare class. I got an A+ on this and every one found it hysterical. I hope you do too.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Titanic or the movie based off of it. 


	2. Big Boat Goes Down

Titanic: Hillbilly Style  
  
(Rose, Mother, and Cal enter by the large ship, bewildered by the size and extravagance)  
  
ROSE: Well I'll be, look at this here darn ship. Big as ever, bigger than a house I reckon.  
  
MOTHER: I do believe child that this is the most magnificent boat I have ever seen (puts a hand on Rose and Cal's shoulders) and I am glad to be here with you two lovebirds.  
  
CAL: Yes, but why don't we go inside (all exit, Jack enter)  
  
JACK: Nice boat. (walks out)  
  
CAPTAIN: It is now time for us to depart. Everyone grab up all of your parcels and persons, and get to your living holes. (yell) All aboard yall!  
  
NARRATOR: The time now is dusk. Walking about the wooden planks is a distraught young woman named Rose, contemplating life and death. Amidst the shadows, she is watched and followed.  
  
ROSE: Ay, me. Why does my life suck so? I wish that it would continue no further and plunge into the icy depths I must go! (She moves to the front of the ship) (You sexy thing is playing)  
  
JACK: Oh wow, wowwy wow wow wow. Look at that hot mamma standing over there. Oh yeah! She looks so nice in the moonlight. I reckon that I'd like to court her. I mean, just look at her. What a woman. (Kind of dances up to her) Miss, what are you doing up there?  
  
ROSE: (Startled, almost falls off) Oops! My bad! Someone help me. (Jack reaches out and grabs her hand, and pulls her back up) Oh thank you gentle sir, because that water would have been oh so brrrr.  
  
JACK: What be your name woman?  
  
ROSE: Rose.  
  
JACK: Nice name, but mine's better. What your name does lack, mine makes up, for I am Jack.  
  
NARRATOR: The two recently acquainted shipmates have and epiphany, they fall in love, and spend the night staring into each other's eyes on the deck of the ship.  
  
JACK: I wanna kiss you, and hug you, and father up your children.  
  
CAL (aside): Me too!  
  
ROSE: Yeah, right backs at you. You young, buff, hunk of man. Break me of a piece of that.  
  
JACK: Will you marry me woman?  
  
ROSE: I'm afraid I can't. For like the wind blows, so does my fiancé. So I must go, and cannot stay.  
  
NARRATOR: The two young lovers disporse and Rose runs to her mother, to tell her other changed feelings toward her fiancé and her love to Jack. (Rose and Mother enter)  
  
ROSE: I've met someone better than that loser (do the L thing) of a fiancé.  
  
CAL (aside): I'm not a loser.  
  
MOTHER: Hold your tongue young lady. The man is loaded.  
  
ROSE: (holds her tongue) The man uses bank notes to polish his bottom.  
  
MOTHER: Rose that wasn't a literal saying.  
  
ROSE: What I said, was that the man uses bank notes to polish his bottom.  
  
CAL (aside): But they are so soft, and they keep my bottom springtime fresh.  
  
MOTHER: Just listen child, I wasn't able to make it big when I was young. Now you have the chance, so you don't have to, don't screw it up.  
  
ROSE: But Mother, I love him and wont be happy without him.  
  
MOTHER: I forbid you to see him any longer.  
  
NARRATOR: With Rose's mother interfering, Jack and Rose's love was put on hold. Rose was basically forced to continue to see her fiancé Cal. Every now and then they would pass Jack when walking on the deck. Eventually Cal figured out who Jack really was and they exchanged words. After their talk was over Cal planned on getting rid of Jack.  
  
CAL: You see Jack, I will always win because I'm richer than you, stronger than you, and better looking than you. So face it you'll never get my woman. (Enter Iceberg)  
  
ICEBERG: Behold, I represent Iceberg. Cold as winter am I, with snow all around. On my right side this boat of wonders doth hit. And carve a big hole on its belly of steel I willith do.  
  
JACK: Well, id rather be takin out by that big ice rock than by the likes of you.  
  
CAL: You mean an iceberg you inbred, poor boy. (Iceberg hits the boat, all are shakin)  
  
ICEBERG: Ouch! How dare you hurtith me. (Smacks the boat)  
  
CAL: Sir, take this criminal down to the bottom of the boat and handcuff him up, against a pole. (Captain takes him down and cuffs him to pole, Cal kicks Jack in the butt on the way out)  
  
JACK: Looks like this is the end for me. Oh well, I think that I've had a good run.  
  
ROSE: Thank god Jack. I found you, now let me take the heavy axe and attempt to cut your hands free. (She swings the axe and cuts through the chain)  
  
JACK: (Tucks hand in shirt sleeve) OH MY GOD YOU CUT IT OFF!  
  
ROSE: (screams)  
  
JACK: (pulls hand out) Just kidding, but seriously this her ship is a sinkin, and a sinkin fast.  
  
NARRATOR: The two young lovers run off together trying to find a way off this sinking, iron tomb. The take many twists and turns only to wind up to the very spot that they had first met. They sit themselves on the railing so not to fall to their untimely death. Meanwhile the Captain is at his post manning it until he goes down.  
  
CAPTAIN: A captain is not a rat. He is not a deserter. He goes down with the very ship he has put his heart and soul into. He takes pride and honor in his job, and to death he will keep it.  
  
NARRATOR: The glass begins to crack and break.  
  
CAPTAIN: Ah to hell with this. Call me a rat, but I'm going to be one that can still breathe. (sprints off screaming)  
  
NARRATOR: The ship continues to go down and our lovers end up in the water, the cold and dark water. The unselfish Jack pushes his new love upon a plank of wood from the broken ship.  
  
ROSE: Jack hold on to me and don't let me go.  
  
JACK: Rose this is it, I'm done for. Always remember the time we did share together. But stay alive and be true, otherwise I'll come back and haunt you. (Jack sinks down and perishes)  
  
ROSE: Good bye gentle sir. And this water is oh so brrr.  
  
NARRATOR: Rose was saved and taken back to land. There she grew old and would stay, until one day when she sees a group of people on the television bringing artifacts up from the late ships burial ground. She then goes out to find these people and makes a long drawn out movie with director James Cameron. 


End file.
